Dichotomom

Does a bad morning mean it's going to be a horrible day?

2010-03-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

I have to confess: I had a screaming match with my six-year-old this morning. How ridiculous. I'm old enough to know better, yet we stood there, bellowing at the top of our lungs. Sadly, this is nothing new, just another morning fight over what she needs to do so we can get to school in time.

Oh, I try to avoid the fights. I give warnings ("We're leaving in five minutes."). I set up a routine ("No breakfast until you're dressed. No t.v. until you've done everything you NEED to do for school."). I punish her ("You are not allowed to come downstairs until 8:00."). I reward her ("You get to pick the t.v. show if you're dressed and ready.").

Nothing works, and I am at a loss. My son does all these things without being asked. He reads in the morning, studies his spelling words and regales us with wonderful tales of his dreams. He goes to bed with a smile and wakes up beaming even brighter.

But the girl...oh that girl, she makes my blood boil. Why can't she ever get dressed without cajoling? Why can't she ever eat her breakfast without pouting? Why can't we ever get out the door without yelling?

The bad mornings set me up for bad day. I end up screaming (yes, screaming! My throat still hurts an hour later!). She ends up crying. Boy ends up near tears, with his hands over his ears, stunned into silence.

And we're off on a bad journey. I only hope we can reverse our course.

I hope she's fine by the time she gets to school. I imagine her walking into kindergarten with a black cloud over her head. I want to be there and watch her, see if she can shake it off and go about her day normally.

Because I can't. I am going to stew all day about this. I'm going to be distracted at work. There's going to be a pain in my heart and a pit in my stomach because I am a bad, bad, horrible mother. Someone will ask my opinion about a new leadership message and I will feel that I have no right to give it because I yelled at my daughter. I can't get my kids out the door in the morning; how can I possibly add any value to a multi-billion dollar company?

Then I will go into a spiral about my own defective personality. I am the daughter of a yeller. My mother swore at us and said some awful things. I vowed I would never do that. But sometimes, oh, sometimes when I've been so very patient and I've asked and I've said "pretty please" and I've reasoned and I've still gotten no results, then monster mommy comes out. I SCREAM. I scare the kids. I scare myself. Do I have anger-management issues? Control issues? What the hell is wrong with me?

Finally, I will try to rationalize. I didn't swear at her. I didn't hit her. I didn't verbally abuse her. I just yelled at her to put on her coat and put on her shoes and get in the car. I'm okay. Secretly, I pray the damage I've inflicted isn't permanent.

One of my daughter's favorite books is Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes. Our favorite line, one we often tell each other, is this: "Today was a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better."

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to say that to her this morning. And I hope we don't have to wait until tomorrow for things to be better. I'm going to try to have a better afternoon.

The sometimes ugly truth about working from home

2010-02-24T07:24:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness for the Business Women's Finishing School & Social Club. They've highlighted an update to my blog post about the good, the bad and the ugly of telecommuting. Although I wrote it 18 months ago, it's still relevant today:
http://businessfinishingschool.blogspot.com/2010/02/working-from-home-personal-costbenefit.html.

Check it out!

My Guest Blog on Business Women's Finishing School & Social Club: Groundhog’s Day—The Working Mom’s Holiday

2010-02-02T05:08:00.000-08:00

Working mothers should unite. Let’s lobby Hallmark for a new February holiday, one that honors the cornerstones of any working mother’s life—routine, consistency, schedules and predictability. Up with Groundhog Day!

Business Women's Finishing School & Social Club: Groundhog’s Day—The Working Mom’s Holiday

We don't love Conan, we love what he stands for

2010-01-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows about Conan O'Brien and his nasty departure from NBC's Tonight Show. It's one of the Top Ten Trending Topics on Twitter. This week his show's ratings are, by his own account, up 50%. He's truly going out on top.

But why all the love for Conan now? Where was Team CoCo back in August or September or whenever Conan's ratings needed some propping up?

No offense, Conan, but these people don't really love you. They love what you're doing. When unemployment is at 10%, when a new job often means a pay cut, when a pay raise or a $25 gift card from your boss makes the news, we working-class folks can only DREAM of flipping off the boss.

Problem is, if we did that we'd probably get a boot in the butt instead of a $33 million severance package. And we need our jobs.

But we can dream. And we can watch Conan, and we can cheer loudly as he speaks for all the workers who want to stick it to the man.

To fit in something new, you have to take away something old

2010-01-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

I was toying with different metaphors for the title of this post: one more ball in the juggle (too R-rated), one more log on the fire (too destructive), one more sandwich on my plate (too cutesy). But, in thinking about it, I realized that my juggle (or my fire or my plate) is already full. So to fit in something new, I have to take away something old.

First, the add: I'm trying to shift careers. I've spent the bulk of my working life in business communications as a writer, editor or project manager. I'm currently a contract worker and I'm fortunate to have a long-term gig with my former employer. I can put in as many hours as I want, but I'm trying to keep it to a maximum of 25 per week, which will leave me some time to do other things.

When I left my full-time job, I wanted to figure out what to do. I dabbled in online/magazine writing, which I love, but journalism is a dying--or at least low-paying--career. I waded back into the corporate world, which I sometimes feel is sucking out my soul. So, I've decided to try something that I love, or at least something that has some personal meaning to me. I'm studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer.

It's daunting. Not so much the idea of a career change--I can live with that--but the actual steps I have to take to do it. I have to study and pass a test!

It's been a thousand years since I was in college, and a hundred years since Grad School (which I never finished because life and jobs and pregnancy got in the way), so I have to remember how to study. In the past I was studying subjects that came rather easily to me. This is a whole new field, and I am dealing with a host of other priorities. I have a lot of sandwiches on my plate.

I know that I won't be able to find the time to study, so I have to make it. Which means it's time for some serious time management.

Here's how I'm going about it:

Follow the plan. I'm studying for the American Council on Exercise certification, and they have a 20-week study guide that I can follow. I'm on week two, and so far I've been keeping it up.

Schedule it in. I'm trying--with mixed results--to study for an hour each morning before I start work. Today I missed it, so I have to figure out a way to fit it in tonight.

Relevel my expectations. I'm a Type A. I like things how I like them. But I have to give up some of this control, so I'm trying to realize that with my momunteering, showing up is half the battle. I don't need to prepare and things don't need to be perfect.

Just say no. I was so proud of myself when I did this! Yesterday, I was asked to volunteer in Thing Two's art class but I said no (of course, I'll be at her Daisy meeting this afternoon).

Ask for help. This has been a tough one for me, I but I have to start asking for help around the house (or letting things slide--see #3 above).

I know that people who have jobs and kids and lives go back to school all the time. There are tons of websites dedicated to it (here's one: http://back2schoolmoms.com/). But it's hard.

What I'm starting to realize is that you can't just add something; you need to take something away. So in addition to the steps above, I've deactivated my Facebook page, I've unsubscribed to tons of email newsletters I get, and so far I haven't taken on any additional freelance work. Pleasure reading is on hold and I'm avoiding reality t.v. We'll see if that's enough...because it's up to me to make sure that all my balls stay in the air.

Don't Quit...yet. What to do before you give your boss the finger

2010-01-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

Apparently people are going to be quitting their jobs in droves once this recession is over (links below).

Not so fast, people. Over the past month, I've had four conversations with four different people who hate their jobs and want to quit. I'm not a career counselor--far from it!--but perhaps they sought my counsel because they think I'm a role model. I did what fed-up worker dreams of: I actually quit.

The thing is, even though it's all worked out for me, I probably didn't do enough to save my job. And I wouldn't advise anyone else to do what I did.

(Background on my breaking point: I had started a new role in the company where I had worked for nine years. From the beginning, though, I felt alone and distrustful of leadership in the new group. Then I started to feel angry and bitter. Adding to that, I was under a lot of personal stress, so I felt toxic.)

By the time I left, quitting felt like more than my best option; it felt like the only one. In retrospect, it might not have been.

Here's the advice I wish someone had given me when I could think of nothing but walking out the door:

Talk to other people on your team and to people who used to report to your current managers so you can better understand how they are succeeding (or failing) in their roles. Of course, you need to be cautious in what you say, but I find that if you ask a few questions on how someone has been successful and what their experience has been, you can learn a lot. You might also be able to forge some deeper relationships with team members. And when you’re in the trenches, you need some good buddies.
Talk to people outside your group (but within your company) to see what else is out there. I'd pick five people who seem to have cool jobs to have an "informational interview." You can find out what they're doing, how they like it, and how they got there. And you might see opportunities...or you might find that maybe the grass isn't greener elsewhere.
Throw yourself into your client. I hate to sound like some CEO somewhere, but the truth is, I didn't care enough about my client when I quit. Maybe if you can get more involved with your clients, they'll see you more as a team member than as an outsider or a service provider. Once you feel valued, you’re invested.
Talk to your supervisor. The trick here is to not complain. Maybe you want to implement a "status meeting" where you outline goals and achievements for the week. Force your supervisor to give you 15 minutes every other week (at least) alone. He/she can't ignore you, and again you'll be building a relationship (see #3). At the very least, you’ll be compiling a list of your accomplishments, which might come in handy if do decide to leave.
Get involved in outside groups/networking. I’m a business communicator, so I joined the board of my local IABC chapter. Find a professional networking group and go to some events. Volunteer for a committee to build skills that you lack, or present yourself as an expert in an area where you know you're strong. You'll find out how other companies do things, and you'll start to see how much you really know about your field. You’ll definitely gain some perspective on your own situation.
Have a reason to leave each day. It doesn’t matter if it’s to cook dinner for your family, to walk your dog or to take a spin class. If you schedule something for 6:00, you’ll have a reason to get your work done on time and you'll have something to look forward to at the end of the day. As an added bonus, you’ll have something other than work to talk about with your friends.
Take a vacation. When I left my job, I was paid for six weeks of vacation. What if I had taken that time, even part of it, to relax, get my mind off work, and recharge? I might not have ever left.
If you’re still tired after your vacation, look at a leave of absence. I wish I had done this. Oh, how I wish I had done this!!! With a leave of absence, you can get a sense of what it’s like to really not have your job anymore. You might even figure out how you want to spend your time. Who knows? You might even miss what you were doing…or it might be the way for you to find your true passion.
Keep your eyes—and options—open. Polish off your resume. Look at job boards. Start networking. Even if nothing comes of it, it’s good to know what else is out there, and that you have options. You’ll feel powerful.
Own your choice. When you’ve run through this list and made your decision—whether you stay or go—own it. Don’t be a victim. Realize that it’s your choice to come to work each day. Making this active choice—without apologies—can make the difference in how you view your job.

If I were given the opportunity today, I’m not sure if I’d go back to my old company. But the next time I’m feeling lousy about my job, I’m not going to act on impulse either.

Links on how unhappy workers are:
Job satisfaction falls to record low in US, survey shows
Recession has left workers disgruntled, planning to leave jobs
Recession intensifies Gen X discontent at work

More reading on how to cope if you’re unhappy at work:
How to Survive in an Unhappy Workplace
Your Career: New Year Know-How

What if Tiger were a Cougar?

2009-12-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, I know that this blog is supposed to be about work/life balance and all that. But I’m fascinated by this Tiger Woods debacle (just Google it. No need for a link). Not from a wife/husband standpoint or even from that of an avid golf fan. I'm enthralled by the marketing/PR/Communications predicament his entanglements have created.

I can't think of a female athlete or celebrity with nearly as much endorsement power, but look at Maria Sharapova, Serena Williams or Danica Patrick. Would their endorsements survive "transgressions" like Tiger's?

When Serena made her infamous outburst at the U.S. Open, people were clamoring for Nike to drop her. When college soccer player Elizabeth Lambert pulled the hair of an opponent during a game, she was crushed in the news and suspended from her team.

What would happen if any of these female athletes behaved as badly as their male counterparts? What if they were accused of having nearly a dozen extra-marital affairs, all while maintaining—actually peddling—a perfect and squeaky-clean image?

So, what if Tiger were a Cougar? Would the companies who pay those endorsements take this same “wait-and-see” attitude? I doubt it.

In the meantime, I can't wait to see the marketing fall-out from the fall of this formerly perfect pitchman.

Work-Life Balance: It's not just for parents

2009-07-24T03:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was at a board meeting of like-minded professionals. Since I usually work from home, it was a nice change to get dressed up (well, I wasn't wearing flip-flops and sweats, so I felt dressed up) and have a face-to-face meeting with people to discuss strategy and goals and tactics. Fun stuff!

What impressed me most, though, was the president of the group. Actually, I was a bit more than impressed--I'm actually a little jealous of her. She's younger than I am--she's probably younger than many of the people who were in the room--but she has a self-awareness and confidence that I'm not sure I'll ever have. She's leading a professional group and working full-time. And she's doing a bang-up job at both.

But it's not her leadership position with the organization that I envy, nor is it her full-time job. I could have both--in fact, I'm in a leadership position with the same group and have been offered a full-time job. Rather, I admire the fact that she has gone for an element of work-life balance early in her career--and it wasn't prompted by parenthood.

A year ago, as a newlywed, she was working for a cool, high-tech, high pressure company. The pace was breakneck and the hours were back breaking. When I was in a similar situation, I went for it: I worked the long hours and kept trying to climb the ladder. Not my friend. She realized that her marriage, her health, her own interests and development were more important than just work and sought to bring balance to her life. She stepped off the super-fast track and took a role at a company renowned for it's steady pace and employee-friendly atmosphere. Yes, she took a pay cut, but she gained so much more.

I love to hear stories of people without kids who seek a balance between work and life outside it. Too often "work-life balance" is a euphemism for "finding time to parent." This isn't always the case--for all the non-parent colleagues I have who spend way too many hours at work, I have others, like this board president, who are finding fulfillment outside of work. Another friend, who has a busy career as a marketing professional, has also gone to hairdressing school, is a landlord, and travels extensively. So what if she has no kids--she has a life than any of us would envy! Another friend is in a competitive sales role. She's successful, smart and attractive, so she's been asked time and again to mentor younger women and climb the ladder. While she tentatively agrees to be a mentor, she also politely declines the promotions. She's content with her current role and happy with her life--she has a lake house, a boat, a busy vacation schedule, and a good marriage. In her spare time she trains for triathlons. (Point to note: none of these people are Gen Y, who are so often credited with pioneering the work/life thing.)

Maybe we need to stop looking to Jack Welch and folks in the corner office for advice about work/life balance and start looking at all the regular people who go to work each day--and then come home to even more fulfilling pursuits.

Is my working causing my kids to grow up too fast?

2009-07-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

A moment of self-doubt/clarity: is my working causing my kids to grow up too fast?

Thing Two is five years old and heading to Kindergarten in the fall. She's been at the same daycare for the past four years, starting as a toddler, spending two years in pre-school and this past year in a pre-kindergarten program. The school promoted academics heavily and she's already reading at an early first-grade level. We're proud of her, although we haven't pushed it.

She's a bit less advanced on the social side, tending to be shy and clingy. This summer, to give her a leg up socially, we pulled her from daycare and put her into the same Park & Recreation day camp program as Thing One. She had a fantastic first day.

The second day, though, she went on a field trip. She and 60 other little campers boarded a bus for an hour-long ride to an historical site. It was her first time on a bus and I was nervous. (Thing One was also on the field trip, but having been on buses before and being a really social animal, I wasn't worried at all about him.) I suggested that my daughter bring a stuffed animal to cuddle with on the way home in case she fell asleep. Was I nuts? Thing One thought so--he told her no way, so she put the big pink pig back on her bed. We compromised on a little puppy that could fit into the pocket of her backpack. I sent them both skipping off to their teenage counselors.

Later that afternoon, the skies opened up and lightning bolts crashed down. I was barely able to type because I was too busy chewing off my fingernails. You see, Thing Two is petrified of thunderstorms and I felt the immediate need to rush to her side. How could a stranger--one of the wonderfully energetic, but incredibly young, teenage camp counselors--comfort her? She needed her mommy, but I couldn't be there for her. Had I failed her?

The rest of the afternoon was fairly unproductive from a work perspective. Instead, I watched the clock until 2:55--pick up time is 3:00. I raced the quarter mile to camp, and when I got there I half expected Thing Two to be sitting on one of the counselor's laps, crying. Instead, I couldn't find her. That sent me into even more of a panic, although I was trying to appear calm. I scoured the high school cafeteria, looking in corners and under chairs. No Thing Two.

Finally I heard her froggy voice call "Mommy!" There she was, all big eyes and wet shirt. It turns out that she had gone to the bathroom straight from the bus. She seemed okay.

Then she hugged me and wouldn't let go. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I staggered a bit--her backpack threw me off balance--but I didn't let go either. As we headed outside, there was another boom of thunder and then Thing Two's very own waterworks started. She bawled into my shoulder. Her whole body shook. The camp director looked at me with worried eyes and told me that she had been fine all day. I nodded at him. I knew that she held it together until I got there.

So, yeah, I think sending her out into the world is making her grow up faster than her peers who have not spent as much time in daycare. But maybe that's okay. Maybe she'll learn some coping skills. And, for now at least, she still knows she's safe with me.

Reposting a US News blog about part-time work

2009-07-06T08:49:00.001-07:00

Good post here on people who are making strides in finding and creating professional part-time work: http://www.usnews.com/blogs/alpha-consumer/2009/06/25/the-challenges-and-rewards-of-part-time-work.html.

The article has some uplifting examples of people not only keeping a hand in it, as I like to say I do, but actually getting promoted while working part-time. My favorite line in the story is this one: "Being part-time does not conflict with being an excellent performer capable of career growth." (from Susan Gordon, the director of career development at the American University, Washington, D.C.)

Love this quote. I've been saying this for a long time, and I think that moms bring an efficiency and a perspective to work that non-parents might not.

I was thrilled to see this article after a week away from the office and on the first day of my new "summer hours" (five days a week, ending at 3 p.m.). And while I'd love to read more about employers embracing part-time workers and jobshares--and I'd especially like to see more men using this option--I'll take any press I can get on it. The more press these flexible work options get, the more mainstream they will become. That will truly be progress.

When you feel like you're working with a bunch of five year olds

2009-06-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a hard time distinguishing between work and home, and not just because I was typing emails with my sick five year old on my lap. No, I was confused because I couldn’t tell where I was dealing with the whiny five year old—at work or at home.

As a business communicator, I’m responsible for sending all sorts of information to employees and customers about events, new tools, and actions they need to take to keep things running smoothly. The messages can run the gamut from tactical (remember to take training) to strategic (here’s how the actions you take affect the company’s bottom line). While the strategic work is more fun for me, I fully understand the need to send out operational/tactical notes. I mean, a business has gotta run, right? And often, I’m paid to just shut up and do what I’m told.

Today, though, I was asked to send a message that’s been sent a dozen different ways already. It’s a “nice to have” message and really doesn’t require a stand-alone email. So, thinking that I was a trusted advisor, I pushed back. One of the things I hear all the time is that people have information overload and that we need to cut down on the email clutter. I feel it’s my job to look at all this from the recipient’s point of view, and he doesn’t need another memo telling him something he’s been told five times before.

But that’s not my real complaint here (and, for the record, I am complaining!) My issue is that these people—highly paid, professional adults—are behaving just like my five year old.

When my five year old asks for a lollipop right before bed, I calmly say no, tell her that it’s not the time for it because she’s already had dessert and brushed her teeth, and send her away. It’s been decided, no? Well, no. Being a five year old, she turns and asks her father for a lollipop. When he says no, she tells him that all the other kids get lollipops before bed: “Rachel gets one. Madison gets one. Tyler gets one. Why can’t I have one?” And the two of us stand together and tell her no, no, no, she will not get the lollipop and we are not Rachel’s or Madison’s or Tyler’s parents. Usually, we win the fight.

However, if she asks me for something when I have a million other things going on—like when I’m cooking dinner and trying to finish up a work memo and talking on the phone to my mother—I say yes just to get her off my back. And then I’ve lost all my credibility so the next time she asks me for the lollipop before bed, she’s not going to accept “no” as an answer. She’s a smartie, that Thing Two.

In this particular work situation, I feel like I’m the mom again, but this time it’s not helping me. Even though I said no to the email, the requestor asked my boss. She said no. The requestor then went to the person who used to do this job before I came on board. She said no. Requestor said, “Well, I’ve been told to send this out by my boss.” So, we had a conference call with requestor, my boss, and her boss. We still said no. Then we got an email from the requestor, saying “all of these other groups have sent out the note, and everyone who got it thinks it’s great.” Still, no. Today, we got a note from requestor asking when we were sending the email.

I know what will happen: the note will go out. Requestor will keep asking and keep asking and keep asking and eventually, the phone will ring, someone else will want something and we’ll need to shut the requestor up. So we’ll send it. And we’ll set a precedent for sending these things again and again. The business will have wasted too many hours of productivity debating a stupid note that means nothing to the employees, but the requestor will get to cross something off her list. And we’ll keep the cycle going.

It’s not the end of the world. Even though it’s my opinion that the note is silly and doesn’t help the company, it won’t hurt the company any more than the occasional lollipop before bed will rot my daughter’s teeth. And, even though it's a bad precedent to set, I have to look at this the way I look at parenting. Sometimes I just have to pick my battles.

A Patchwork Summer

2009-06-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Summer is a bitch for working parents. There, I said it.

Tomorrow, at 1:50, school ends. And that's when the scramble begins. I’m doing my best to keep it low key and fun for the kids, but I’ve also made a commitment to a client to work through the summer. So I need childcare.

Here’s what I’ve patched together:

three days at Park and Recreation camp
a week of family vacation at the coast
a few more weeks at Park and Recreation camp
another week at the coast
another week at Park and Recreation camp
two weeks at sports camp for Thing One and two weeks back at daycare for Thing Two
ten days with me

For this, I have changed my schedule so that I end at 3 p.m. I’m taking a total of 18 days off from work and spending 20—yes 20!—days with my in-laws.

Got that?

Actually, I’m looking forward to it (well, most of it anyway). I’m really excited to pick the kids up from camp at three o’clock and head to the lake for relaxing afternoons of swimming and dinner picnics (PB&J and popsicles, anyone?)

Summers and the school schedule are part of the reason that I quit the corporate gig and went freelance. But what would I do if I were still stuck with an office job? What if I only got two weeks' vacation?

I'd probably do what all the other working parents out there are doing. Some are sending the kids away to the grandparents for a good chunk of the summer. Others are hiring a nanny. Many are putting their kids in all-day YMCA camps. All are taking lots and lots of days off to cover the gaps.

Summer, the time of year that kids dream about, is the stuff of nightmares for working parents.

The workplace generation divide is really just a lack of perspective

2009-06-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

Since I often tap away on my laptop in the same room that my husband mocks reality TV, he says he's curious about what I write. I occasionally send him links to my posts, although I really think he's just making sure that he's not the topic of a rant. Since my last post was the first one I'd written in a while, I asked his opinion. I didn't expect much in terms of feedback; words aren't his fancy. (True story: he once asked for a towel to "demoistify" his hands because he couldn't think of the word "dry." Dry.)

Much to my surprise, Thing Three's feedback was very insightful. When I wrote that being a mother has helped me see what's important in my work, he agreed. But he said it so much better: he told me that it's given me perspective.

He's so right! (Are you reading, Thing Three? Print this out--it might be the last time I tell you you're right.) That's exactly what being a mother has done--it's given me perspective. I have more context, more life experience, a frame of reference by which I can judge what's important in work and what, really, won't matter if I let it slide a bit. And that makes me a much better worker.

This is what is missing when we talk about the generational divides at work, and how the future is all about Gen Y and we Gen Xers (and Boomers) are so out of it.

While I'm an avid reader of Penelope Trunk's blog and I admire her dedication to the Millennials on her Brazen Careerist website, I'm not totally bought in. I really don't think that the younger generation is going to completely change the world of work. Technology will, the recession will, globalization will, but not this generation. They may benefit from all of the changes in work, but to say that they will cause it is short-sighted. Just because they're demanding more work/life balance doesn't mean companies will change--take a look at how the recession has halted flexible work arrangement. To say that they are working out of their parents basements because they really, truly want to do meaningful work is hogwash--they're doing it because they can! They're young, they're not used to the freedom--and responsibility--that comes from living on their own. Their standard of living is fairly low--mom and dad's basement (and fridge) is pretty attractive compared to communal dorm living. This will change--they'll want more privacy, mom and dad will want their house back.

What I'd like to do is fast forward a dozen years or so and see how unique and idealistic this generation turns out to be. Tell me, when they're in their 30s and 40s, with kids who need good schools and a mortgage that needs to be paid and parents who need help getting to the doctor, will they still be this idealistic? Will they still put meaningful work at the the top of the priority list, or will they need to choose--the way that many of us have--a job with benefits and a 401(k) and--eek!--a commute?

Or, when they get a bit more life experience, will they finally be able to put work in perspective? Maybe time is all that's needed to bridge the so-called workplace generational divide. Maybe Gen Y just needs to grow up.

I'm back and I'm mad as hell...

2009-06-09T10:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not really mad as hell. But I am back and thanks to the encouragement of a few people (probably the only few who actually read my blog) I am going to make a concerted effort to post more often. Because I like it. Because I have opinions. Because I quit corporate America to do more writing.

But I am also back in corporate America. This time as a contractor, but I'm an integral part of the team I'm on. I'm even on the org chart! I joke that I took the same job I had three years ago, only for less money and no benefits. But, then again, I do have flexibility. And that's the price that I, and many other working parents, pay when we choose to step off the corporate ladder. I'm okay with my choice, primarily because I had the opportunity to make it. But what if someone else made the choice for me? You can bet I'd be mad as hell.

Apparently it happens all the time. A new study, Getting a Job, Is There a Motherhood Penalty?, highlights the pay gap between working women who have children and those who do not. The study is getting some press (BusinessWeek article here) and of course, it's also getting some people riled up.

As part of the research, equally qualified mothers and non-mothers submitted resumes for a job (the only indication that an applicant was a mother was the inclusion of a Parent-Teacher Association activity). In every category, the "mother" was judged more harshly than the non-mother. She was expected to be less committed and competent, would be allowed fewer days of arriving late and needed to score higher on tests to be considered for employment. All this because of one line on a resume! So for all those moms thinking about re-entering the workforce, beware the advice to highlight your volunteer work!!

(However, the part in the study that really got me is this: "Men were not penalized for, and sometimes benefited from, being a parent." Another topic for another time, this annoying double standard)

I could sit here and gripe about how unfair life is, but I won't. I've been riding on the see-saw of family and work for years now. There are times when I give more time to work and times when I give more time to family, but overall it's been okay so I don't have much to complain about.

But here's something that the study doesn't show: Being a mother makes me a better worker. Yep, it's true. Because I am a mother, I am:

Better prepared to deal with people. I have two children, Thing One and Thing Two. They are twenty months apart in age and a world apart in personality. Although they are being raised in the same house, with the same parents and the same values, rules, and other control factors, they are very different people with different temperaments and approaches to life. What works for Thing One does not work for Thing Two. Thing One is easygoing, happy to be around, easily amused. Thing Two is serious, stubborn, intensely focused, hard to smile. So, I've had to change my parenting approach when dealing with them. But the benefit is that if I'm managing someone--a subordinate or a supervisor--I'm much more in tune with his or her personality and can tailor my approach to fit the situation. And while I'd read plenty of management books before I became a parent, none of Steven Covey's principles made the impact as my real-life parenting experience.

More efficient. Many people say that multi-tasking was invented by moms. And I can see why. Just as when I'm "Mom" I can cook dinner, talk on the phone and help Thing Two with an arts and crafts project, when I'm "worker" I really can have a few IM windows open, listen to a conference call and send out a business note. The difference is, I know when I can give some tasks my half-attention and when I need to focus on just one task. I attribute this to being a parent because there are times--when you need to suss out the truth, calm a fear, or listen to a problem--when you need to give a kid some undivided attention. Likewise, there are times at work when you need to ignore the phone, shut down the instant message and just get the work done.

More effective. Another well-worn cliche is "if you want something done, give it to a busy person." But in my case, it's true. I'm much more efficient when I have a lot to do, and I'm effective because I get it done. Because I have a limited amount of time that I can spend at my desk, I don't really think about it. I don't get overwhelmed, I just chunk things into tasks and I do it. And this has extended beyond my work into other areas of my life, such as working out: even though I work from home and could take time out during the hours of 9 and 3 to run, history shows that I won't do it. So that's why the alarm goes off at 5:30 every day. That's my workout time, and I have just one hour to get it done. And, most days I do.

Able to see what's important. Before kids, I'd stay late to get the one last thing done. I'd send notes at midnight. I'd respond to every single mail that hit the inbox. I was quick and responsive. Now, though, I'm not always the first to respond. And that's okay, because I've found that sometimes things work themselves out. Or other people want to add input and I'm not needed. I also don't feel the need to turn every single thing at work into something urgent and important. Because it can't all be urgent and important. And it's true: having kids does help you figure out what matters in life.

So, back to the study. Am I surprised by the findings? No, not really. I'm a bit jealous that men get a better deal on this whole parenting thing.

To use a phrase dreaded by most kids, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that corporate America can't see the benefits that working mothers bring to the table. I'm disappointed that there aren't better childcare options or more companies offering flexible work arrangements. But the fact that we can all talk about this and draw attention to it makes me think that we can work to change it.

Being an independent means I’m finally free to learn

2009-02-08T18:05:00.001-08:00

I’m on my way back from my first business trip since jumping ship eight months ago. I was going to blog about how hard it was to be away from the kids, but surprisingly I don’t feel much angst about that. In fact, I don’t feel much angst at all (an odd feeling for me, since I’m prone to angst). So, what to blog about?

Well, it was a really great trip!

What made it so great is that I wasn’t stressed. Attending this conference as an independent was so much easier than when I attended training as a full-time employee, because I wasn’t being pulled in a dozen different directions.

When I was employed full-time, attending a training session was really difficult. Despite all the professional development and training that my company touted in its recruitment literature, I never felt completely free to participate. That’s because it was expected that even when I was out of the office at a conference (or for any other reason) I would complete my work and hit all my deadlines. It was the unwritten rule: I’ll fund the course, but go at your own expense. And we all knew—whether we were out on vacation, at a conference, or down with the flu—we’d pay for it. The running joke was that you worked so many hours before, during and after your time out of the office that you should have charged the company overtime rather than taking vacation time!

What I remember about going to training sessions when I was employed was that I’d always come home exhausted, and often sick as well. That’s because I’d burn out. I’d go to the seminars for eight hours, and try to squeeze another eight hours of work in during breaks, before breakfast and in the evenings. I certainly didn’t get what I really needed at the time—the exchange of ideas, the networking, the energy to bring a fresh perspective to my work.

While it was hard for me–correction, it is hard for me—to divorce my professional self from the company I spent more than 10 years with, I loved attending this conference as an independent contractor. I was finally present—there in mind as well as body—at all the sessions. I didn’t return calls during breaks; rather I reviewed my notes from the sessions. I wasn’t trying to simultaneously clear out my inbox and keep projects going; instead, I stayed behind to talk to the other attendees and network. I didn’t put out fires; I brought a calm and open mind to each session.

And I finally realized that yes, professional development can be inspiring and refreshing—not just another energy drain. When I needed the training the most—when I had a full-time, fast-paced job—I didn’t have the time or the energy to really invest in myself. What I learned this weekend is that professional development is much like anything in this world—you get out of it what you put into it. And, also much like anything in this world, it took me quite a long time to learn this lesson.

Something to talk about

2009-01-30T06:23:00.000-08:00

One of the benefits of being a freelancer is that I get to go to the salon on a Monday afternoon to get my hair cut and highlighted. This process takes a couple of hours, so Mondays are great--for one, the kids are in school so I'm not using "me time" on a weekend, and there are a lot of openings at the salon, so I can be in and out quickly. Win-win.

Except when there's a blabberer near you. The place was nearly empty except for one other customer. I couldn't see her because my back was to her, but boy could I hear her. And boy was she boring. All she talked about was her kids. It went something like this:

"and Thomas loves blueberries"
"and Isabella will only eat them if they're mashed up"
"Isabella wants to sleep in Thomas's bed"
"Thomas said the cutest thing"

And so on. This is my what I feared when I left my job to spend more time with my family. I never wanted to be the stay-at-home mom who could only talk about her children. It's draining! That's why stay-at-home moms are ignored when they go to dinner parties--they're not interesting.

There's no need for this. Just because you're up to your elbows in dirty diapers an mashed peas doesn't mean you get to bow out of society. It's January 2009--have an opinion! What do you think of Obama signing the fair pay act? What about those Wall Street bonuses? Or the octuplets? Or, if all that is too deep, who do you think will win the Superbowl or the Oscar for best picture?

I'm not nearly as informed as I'd like to be, despite my online news habit. However, it's not that hard to talk about something other than your children. Not that your children aren't fascinating, wonderful, amazing beings--they are. But do yourself, and everyone else, a favor and go to Discussion Divas and sign up for a weekly email that is designed to keep women informed. Make an effort--show your children and the rest of the world that even though you may be out of the workforce, you're not completely out of touch.

Guest Blog on Equally Shared Parenting

2009-01-21T06:25:00.001-08:00

About how I don't practice equally shared parenting, and why:

http://equallysharedparenting.com/2009/01/guest-blog-road-not-planned-for-by.html

How much does "free" cost?

2009-01-17T03:31:00.000-08:00

For years, my sister has been telling me to hang my own shingle. She thought I could make a bundle as a freelance writer, because she's in the business and sees how much they charge. In my performance reviews, I always said that I would eventually go out on my own; I wanted to be my own boss, be in charge of my time. So, finally, after six months of interviewing, volunteering and generally figuring out who I am, I started doing some freelance writing.

Many think this is the ideal gig for moms. You get to flex your creative muscles, cover any gaps in your resume, and still be there for your kids. Oh yeah, and you can make money!

But I'd like to bust that last myth. Freedom and flexibility have a cost--one that can easily be measured in dollars. The writing I've been doing, whether commercial or corporate, comes pretty cheap. I know by speaking with some other "independents" I'm not making as much as I could. Some are making three or four times my hourly rate, which amounts to a heck of a lot more when you tally up your invoices at the end of the year.

But this is what I get in exchange for my freedom. I couldn't pretend to provide for a family on what I'm making right now. I'm lucky I don't have to, but being type A, it's hard for me to admit this. If I wanted to make that kind of money, I could, but then I'd need to put in a lot more hours than I'm willing to give right now.

I spent quite a bit of time in a previous life documenting the HR "total rewards" packages that companies put together when they stop handing out raises. Given this, I'm looking at what else I'm getting as a freelancer rather than, well, actual money. I found a great example Friday when I got the call from daycare to pick up my daughter because of a mysterious rash. I wasn't upset when I got the call. This reaction was so much different from how I'd reacted in the past, when I was in corporateland. I told my husband honestly that it was okay--I had no deadlines looming so I could look at it as a little extra girl time. I felt no guilt. And, later, after the doctor's diagnosis of Fifth Disease, which is no longer contagious after the rash presents itself, I felt no anger at a day wasted. Because the day wasn't really wasted--I took my girl grocery shopping, we met the new doctor, we took a nap.

Since leaving the corporate world, my currency has changed. I'm starting to look not just at how much I'm making an hour, but rather how I'm spending my days. I don't always do this, and I still think far too much about my dwindling 401(k) and bank account, but I really am trying to see the total rewards of being free.

All the work in half the time: can it be done?

2009-01-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

According to the Pew Research Center, part-time work is the "ideal", at least that's what 60% of the working mothers surveyed say.

However, the study doesn't tell you how to make a part-time schedule really work. As a mom who has worked part-time, full-time, no time and now (as a contractor) any time I can, here is what I learned.

First, ask yourself if you can afford to work part-time. In additon to the salary, you need to think about benefits and vacation.

Salary - When it came to my salary, I was pretty lucky. I worked for a large company with established policies for part time work, so my pay was calculated on a percentile. For example, when I worked 3 days/week, I made 60% of my full-time salary. All raises were also calculated based on full time salary.

Benefits - If you get them, great. But realize how much they'll reduce your paycheck and think about how much you want to contribute to things like 401(k), FSAs, etc. When I went part-time, I had to reduce my contributions to my 401(k) and drop the ESPP altogether so I would actually take home money!! So, I have lost out on future retirement income (maybe not a bad think with the current state of the stock market!)

Vacation - My vacation time was also reduced, but with all the days off, I didn't have to use vacation to go to doctor's appointments or anything else, so I had plenty of vacation time. One trick if I learned was to have Monday be my “non-work” days since it seems that many holidays fall on Mondays (labor day and memorial day, at least)—this way I didn’t burn up any vacation days unnecessarily.

Once you've figured out the nuts and bolts, you need to figure out how to make it work--for real.

In my opinion, and experience, you need to have flexibility as well as boundaries. Of course, flexibility is a two-way street. If the person you really need to meet with can only meet on your “non-work” day, you might have to take the meeting (or call). However, I found that once I started allowing conference calls to sneak into my “non-work” day, it was a slippery slope. And I slid down that slope a lot. I think that there were times when the company got more out of me than I was paid for.

Really, you have to ask yourself a hard question and give yourself an honest answer. Do you have a job that can really be done part-time? If you have responsibility for an entire area or for managing people, I'd say that you can't do this part-time. Maybe you could look for a job share option, but while it sounds great in theory, there are very few instances of this actually working. (if you know of a successful job share, let me know). The role I was in when I was part-time should have been a full-time position. I owned the marketing and communications for a 2,500 person organization. However, as much as I loved my job I wasn't ready to come back five days a week and give up the extra time with my kids. So I made a big mistake--I kept the job with a lot of responsibility and tried to squeeze it into three days. It didn't work. My performance was sub-par and I was completely stressed out.

The bottom line for me is that working part-time is not a cakewalk. It is hard socially, as I felt like I didn’t really fit into the stay-at-home mom world or fully into the work world. It was hard on my home life, as I found myself doing a lot of work while the kids napped or watched television. It was hard on work, as I felt that I was never giving it my all. When I worked full-time, in some ways it was easier because we all got into a rhythm and the boundaries are more clearly marked.

This is a very personal, very individual decision and I think that my work status (part-time, full-time, no-time) will continue to morph as the needs of my family change.

My day of simple living

2008-12-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

All weekend long the after-Christmas sales have been calling. My daughter kind of needs some pants to go with the seven shirts she got from the grandparents this Christmas. My son kind of needs an extra pair of waterproof gloves to replace the pair he bit a hole through. I kind of need some new clothes for the trip we've planned this winter. And, of course, we could kind of use some half-off wrapping paper and lights to store in the basement for a year.

I'm proud to say that I ignored the siren's call of the mall.

Well, I kind of ignored it. On Saturday, my mother-in-law, my daughter and I had our annual "girl's lunch" at The Cheesecake Factory and then we walked through the new American Girl store near the Natick Mall, er Collection. And despite all the headlines about the 2008 recession (no links; just google it and you'll get more than 24 million hits), these places were hopping. Standing room only at Cheesecake Factory, people knocking into each other at American Girl. Could there be two better icons of gluttony? I mean, a Cheesecake Factory menu now has more pages than most print newspapers. American Girl's least expensive dolls go for $90. And, when I didn't think I could be any more outraged, I found a line 12-deep at the American Girl Salon. Mind you, this was a line for the dolls to get their hair done! Yes, there were five "stylists" working fast and furiously to braid the fake hair of the fake dolls (and, since you asked, it's $10-$20 for the privilege).

This is gross excess at its best. In my little act of defiance or whatever, I scrambled out of the store. Okay, with the traffic, it was more of a crawl than a scramble, but still...

(On the bright side, my 4-year old daughter was great. As entralled as she was with the American Girl hair salon, she didn't ask for a thing. And she knows the dolls cost a hundred dollars because I've told her. )

So it was on Saturday I decided that we don't need anything else. I'm not sure that I'm ready to subscribe to one of the more than 100 blogs on living simply, but this one decision was incredibly liberating. Today, instead of heading to the mall on this unseasonably warm December Sunday, I went for a long walk. And on that walk, I encountered two deer standing on the lawn of a nearby house. Channeling my inner Dr. Doolittle, I talked to them. Out loud, but just to remind them not to go into the road. Later, my son and I went for a rip-roaring bike ride through the puddles the melted snow made. He said it was the best bike ride ever. Finally, after dark, the family piled into the minivan and drove to see the lights that our neighbors put up. To our delight, we encountered another family of deer who, no doubt, didn't care that if they meandered down the road a just a few miles, they could get a sweater 1/2 off at Macy's.

The Class Gift

2008-12-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

I know the class gift has been the subject of other blogs. But I'm here to tell you that I won't ever organize another one.

I organized the class gift for both my son's public school first grade class and for my daughter's private daycare pre-k class. My experiences differed wildly, and in a surprising twist it was much easier to coordinate this for the public school than for the private.

First, the public school has definite guidelines as to how much you can spend. I believe the limit is $200. In his class of 20 students, I asked each parent to contribute $5. Most did, while a few gave $10.

Communicating with the public school parents was also much easier. I used the class email list and then went to the school and put a note in each student's folder. Finally, when the deadline was coming near, another mom called the last few parents who hadn't responded.

The results were great: I got a 90% response rate--17 parents contributed and one other told us she had already purchased the teacher's gift. With the $85 I collected, I was able to buy a $40 gift card to Barnes & Noble and a $40 gift card to A.C. Moore. Additionally, I asked the children to draw a picture of their favorite holiday or winter scene, which I put into a binder for the teacher. Add to that a $5 ornament, and viola! it's a gift! Today, at the first grade open house, the students gathered and gave the teacher her gift. And, in the true spirit of the holidays, she was much more impressed with the drawings than the gift cards.

Contrast that with my experience with the private daycare. There is no class email list, so I put a note in each child's folder. There is no class phone list so I couldn't follow up. I am not sure who got the note and who didn't so every day I would be surprised if there was a contribution in my daughter's home school folder.

For the daycare class, 12 out of 20 participated. However, the amounts they gave were all over the board--from $5 to $50. I ended up getting each teacher a $175 visa check card, and ornament, and their own book of drawings.

Today, with just 3 days before the school closes for Christmas, people are emailing me, telling me that they didn't know I was organizing this and could they participate? Sorry, no...the gift is already wrapped.

So what's my "lesson learned" here? Well, for one, people in private schools sure do pony up some big bucks! But I also learned that I don't know that much about my daughter's classmates...I certainly don't know many of the parents' names. That's probably okay, seeing that she's leaving the school next fall to join my son at our town's public school.

But the biggest lesson is that this is the last time I'm organizing the gifts. I'll contributed my $5 or $20. But someone else can write the notes!

The Division of Labor at Home

2008-12-08T12:24:00.001-08:00

Is the division of labor (after childbirth!) equal between you and your partner? Many people (especially moms) feel they carry a heavier burden of family responsibilities. But there are ways to raise the topic for discussion and to try to b

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Oh my aching....

2008-11-16T18:23:00.000-08:00

...today I guess it's my knees. Other days it's my back or my feet or my hips. Ugh, getting old is hell. The other day my daughter asked me this question: "Why, when grown-ups get down to play on the ground, do their knees go creeeeaaaak?".

I used to think I was smart for waiting to have kids until I was past 30...now, I think my mother might have had the right idea in having all of her kids before she turned 26. Because I sure do feel old and I know I don't bounce back the way I used to when I was in my 20s.

But, seeing that my 401(k) is in the toilet and Social Security won't exist by the time I'm eligible, I will need to work forever. And since I'll never retire, maybe I'll never truly get old.

And maybe I'll get that knee replacement soon!

Tips for Buying a Home Computer for the Family

2008-11-14T12:58:00.001-08:00

MAC, PC, RAM, DVD, CPU … researching a home computer can be more confusing than mortgage backed derivative swapping, given the can of "alphabet soup" it opens! Here we simplify the process and spell out all you need to know when buying a ho

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High class (or high school?) problems

2008-11-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

As I read some recent stories on parenting--even some of the ones I'm asked to write--I think, wow, now that's a high class problem to have. Or, maybe it's a high school problem...

Take The perils of 'mommy dating' from The Boston Globe last week, or The (Play) Dating Game from the My Turn section of Newsweek. In both stories, moms lament the fact that it's hard for them to make friends.

Of course it can be hard to meet people when you're an adult. People have their friends already and they lead busy lives. There's work, family, church, or any number of other things that compete with social activities. And, yes, it can be hard to break into cliques--whether the cliques themselves are real or perceived.

I am not an expert on friendship and some people might say I'm not even a very good friend. I'm not a big phone person and I have no problem being by myself. I don't have a ton of friends and I never traveled in a big pack. So maybe I'm not that sympathetic to this kind of "problem," but really, aren't we past junior high? Shouldn't we just be nice to each other and if we have something in common, we'll seek each other out?

I have friends who stop talking to other friends over a small slight. I have friends who've called their girlfriends and "broken up" with them. I honestly can't understand this. Isn't part of being a friend being understanding and supportive?

I read The Art of Friendship a while ago. It persuaded me to be a bit more thoughtful, to call people up a bit more. I'm not always the best at remembering birthdays, but I try. I also try to remember to send a friend a link to a book or an article I think they'll like. I try to invite people to dinner and to go to movies and ladies' nights out when I can. But there is a point of trying too hard, too...when you're not being yourself.

So I think some of these women ought to lighten up and not take themselves so seriously. If they have all this time on their hands to worry about making friends or fitting in, maybe they ought to go volunteer at a soup kitchen or something and see some of the real problems in the world.

Be the Best Aunt in the World

2008-11-12T06:30:00.001-08:00

Whether or not you've got kids of your own, here's how to score big with the other youngsters in your family. Activity and gift ideas to make you the most popular aunt ever.

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Kids don't feel schlumpy

2008-11-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

You know how your mom always told you to make sure you looked presentable when you left the house? You probably scoffed, but she was right.

Take tonight for example. I took the kids for a quick after "school" haircut at Snip-its. I thought we were the last ones there and I felt a little bad for making the people stay late so I offered to pay up front so they could close out the register. The receptionist told me not to worry because the (big sports star's last name) family was coming in.

I thought I heard incorrectly, but in they walked, all blonde and beautiful. And suddenly, my mommy clogs and my huge oversize irish knit sweater were no longer doing it for me, fashion-wise. I did not look good.

But Mrs. Big star looked great. Her hair was perfect! She was dressed so nicely. And she was nice, too!

I felt like a schlump, but little guy was not insecure at all. This is why I admire kids. They have no inhibitions and they think they are the bomb. He overheard her little guy say he was six years old and my guy went right up to Mrs. Big star and told her that he was six, too. They got into a conversation about first grade vs. kindergarten.

Watching this, I forgot how schlumpy I looked. I often marvel at my son, and this is another time that he taught me a lesson. People are just people. Approach them that way, and they'll respond in kind. Another lesson my mom probably taught me and that I definitely did not heed.

When I told my husband about the encounter, he was excited too, but for a different reason. He just wanted to know if I asked her where she got her boobs done.

Big Week coming up--I'm excited!

2008-11-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've got a big week coming up. It'll be the busiest week I've had since quitting in June. I've got an interview tomorrow, a conference for a potential consulting gig Tuesday and Wednesday, an article due Wednesday, another interview Thursday and a professional networking event that I'm hosting Thursday night.

I should be panicking about all this, but I'm not. I'm actually kind of thrilled. I got a haircut on Friday and I bought some new black pants and new shoes today--not because I really needed them, but because I wanted to feel professional and good about myself.

I've written about how staying at home—whether I’m working at home or no—isn’t good for my self-esteem. I’ve come to realize that I'm the kind of person who needs not just to work but to go to work.

I’m really looking forward to this week, kind of like I looked forward to business trips. I’ve been a bit restless for a while and I am feeling the pull of work.

But I think that I’m excited because this is a novelty for me. It’s different. If I had to get up and get ready to go to an office every day, day after day after day, I’m pretty sure it’d get old quickly.

So I’m going to enjoy my busy week and I bet I’ll enjoy my Friday “off” and my less busy week next week a lot more.

I'm Published!!

2008-10-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I sent this email out to everyone but forgot to post it here:

Many of you supported my decision to leave my corporate gig and find a new path and for this I'm very grateful. I'm still not sure what I'm going to be when I grow up, but I have started to write a bit.

Here's my first paid, published article: http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/getting_pregnant/article/feng-shui-for-fertility While it may not be prize-winning journalism, it's still quite satisfying to see my name as a byline. I hope you enjoy!

Again, thanks so much for your support!!

Are we having fun yet?

2008-10-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

The latest big fight my husband and I had was about fun, and how we don't seem to have much of it anymore. Life is really busy, what with work, kids' activities, parents, work, the world series. It's hard to fit it all in! At the end of the day we're just too wiped out to have much fun together. Plus, with babysitters going at $15/hour and my current salary of $0/hour, a night out gets expensive!

Our weekend plans seem to revolve around soccer, birthday parties and church, all of which we're doing for the kids. And, lest you think I'm whining, I know that EVERY parent goes through this. But I do think that we've both changed. I used to be fun; my husband used to be witty. I'd like to get some of this back!

I recently did some research for an article on babysitting co-ops (I'll add the link when it's ready). It's intriguing, but also intimidating. I'm not sure I'd want to be in charge of running a co-op with 20 families, but the idea of free babysitting is so attractive! For now, though, here's what we're trying to do to have fun:

babysitting "swap" with friends who have near-age kids. It's a playdate for the kids and the grown-ups can get a free night out too.
potluck dinners with friends we like. We supply the beer and the place, you bring the pizza and the video for the kids.
early dinner and movie for kids; candlelight dinner and wine for us. (of course, sans the candles because, well, who can be bothered?)
Record SNL so we can stay current on the election but still keep our heads about it. This is a great thing to watch on Sunday nights before we start our week. (Shouldn't have to say it, but we can't stay up to watch it live!)

So far, these things seem to be a good start. But, especially when the news is all doom and gloom, what with the war, the economy and the election, we have to remember that fun starts at home.

My Sandwich Day

2008-10-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

Today was the perfect sandwich day for me. Actually, given the weather, it would have been a perfect day for a sandwich outside but alas that wasn't going to happen.

Today was a day when I was alternately relieved that I had quit my job and peeved that I didn't have one to go to.

Today was a day when I really needed to go to yoga but couldn't muster the energy.

Today was like this:
6:15 a.m. wake up, snuggle with daughter
6:30 a.m. shower and dress
6:50 a.m. feed kids breakfast and get them ready for school
7:50 a.m. cancel dentist appointment
8:00 a.m. get kids off to school
8:30 a.m. take phone call with doctor for breast cancer article
8:50 a.m. ignore mother's phone call
8:53 a.m. ignore mother's other phone call
9:00 a.m. ignore sister's phone call
9:15 a.m. call sister back
9:20 a.m. ignore the laundry
9:22 a.m. get in the car and drive 45 minutes to take father home from hospital
10:15 a.m. - 1:30 p.m. wait for father to be discharged from hospital
1:45 p.m. drive parents home from hospital
2:15 leave parents' home and drive home
3:15 p.m. try to edit breast cancer article
3:45 p.m. go to son's parent-teacher conference
4:30 p.m. pick up son
4:45 p.m. pick up daughter
5:00 p.m. try to edit breast cancer article while starting dinner

and on and on....how did I ever work? And when can I go back? This caregiver job is DRAINING!!

Palin should put some money where her mouth is

2008-09-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

If I were Sarah Palin, I would capitalize on this "Lipstick on a Pig" thing.

I would go to Revlon or Cover Girl or Maybelline and whip up a shade of lipstick and call it it "Sarah's Smile" or "Palin's Pout"--she could have a version for either outcome of the election.

I would sell it everywhere and use the proceeds to fund my campaign. Or make a big show of giving it to charity. Or buy a new airplane.

This act would prove her to be the ultimate American: this country is built on capitalism, and we really enjoy self-made people. Fame and fortune above all.

And, win or lose, she could still laugh all the way to the bank; wouldn't that really make her an all-American hero?

Volunteer mom takes over

2008-09-10T08:21:00.001-07:00

It's official. I've become the ex-working mom who turns "momming" into my new vocation. Since leaving work in June, I have volunteered for a board position for a professional organization, to teach religious education, to lead the children's sessions once a month at church, and to be a room mom.

Oh, I really need a job. But now, since I have so many other obligations, it has to be part time!

Update on the Interviews

2008-09-03T08:25:00.001-07:00

Okay, I think it was fifty-fifty on whether they liked me. One offered me the job on the spot and for the other, the sales guy liked me but the owner/techie guy nearly choked when I told him what I think I'm worth. I guess I might need to revise my expectations downwards!

A bit of context: one job was a personal assistant role for a self-employed consultant who is writing a book. There would be some marketing, but there would also be some picking up of the dry cleaning. The other job was doing marketing for a high-tech start-up company.

The truth is, neither job is the right one for me. I am not quite sure what I want, exactly, but working in isolation for really small companies is not it. So I have to stick it out.

But, I'm panicking a little. I am so used to working. I'm comfortable working, I identify with being the working mom. I was the little kid who babysat, had a paper route and took on extra chores to make money...when I was 11. I've been working ever since.

During the interview with the self-employed consultant, I wanted the job. I am like that: impulsive and eager to please. I hate to tell people "no" and I just jump into things without really thinking. That's what got me into this unemployed mess in the first place. Also, patience is not a word usually ascribed to me.

So as I continue on this path--or, reverse commute, as I'm calling it--I have to be patient and say no. Two things that I'm not used to. It's really hard, and it might be easier to just throw in the towel and go back to corporate life.

But in truth, neither job is right for me.

Do they like me? I hope they like me

2008-08-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple of interviews this week; one with a marketing staffing company and the other with a start up firm. And even though neither is my dream job, I really, realy want to be offered both jobs. I'm that competitive. Or maybe that insecure.

My interview with the marketing staffing company was strange. Really short, really informal...I'm still not convinced about these places. Hopefully this personal meet & greet with the recruiter/staffing coordinator will help them think of me when a client request comes in.

The start up company interview was much longer, much more in depth. I know that I said most of the right things and the sales guy liked me but I also didn't connect fully with the founder/tech lead. We left it vague, so maybe I can do some contract or project work for them.

These experiences left me feeling conflicted (again!). Neither was a perfect fit, but I really wanted them to like me anyway. Maybe I need the ego stroke to prove that quitting my job wasn't a HUGE mistake.

I know I should wait for the perfect job, but is there such a thing?

I’m not flying this helicopter, but if I were, I’d hover a bit less

2008-08-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

Quite a few of my friends are the parents of teenagers. Lately there's been a lot of publicity about helicopter parents, generally baby boomers who are over-involved in their own childrens’ lives. (Read this Subsidized in the City essay in Newsweek for a first-hand account of twenty-something “kids” who don’t know how to balance a checkbook, and the parents who don't seem to care.)

In the past week I personally have had two separate encounters that illustrate how helicopter parents are actually holding back their children:

Incident one: Last week, my friend L called and asked me to run over to the Walmart nearest me to scoop up some 5 cent notebooks for her son, who is heading to college in the fall. Without questioning, I jumped in my car because L, a single mother who has ably stretched a buck to send her son to private schools since the third grade, deserves a break. (Alas, Walmart was sold out, proving that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. It also proves my "Walmart is evil" theory, but more on that another time.)

The drive there, the frustrating and ultimately futile search through the giant store, and the empty-handed ride home gave me plenty of time to think. First, I was peeved that in the era of $4/gallon gas, I was driving all around metrowest for a 5 cent notebook. But second, why is L buying her son his college supplies? Why isn’t this 18 year-old, gainfully employed, legally adult person getting his own damned notebooks? Not to act like the old man shaking his fist at the folly of youth, but you can bet that I bought my own notebooks before heading off to college. And my pens, too. (And I even had money left over for the $3 cover for the keg parties.)

Incident two: A few days later, we had friends over for dinner when the phone rang. Normally, I would not interrupt dinner to answer a call, but caller ID told me that it was the girl I had hired to babysit the following week. I picked up the phone, hoping she wasn’t cancelling, and was surprised when her mother, my friend S, greeted me. S informed me that she had good news and bad news. The good news was that her daughter could still babysit, but she, S, wanted to let me know that since her daughter is a sophomore in college, she normally charges $15/hour for babysitting rather than the $12 she quoted me. But, since we’re such good friends and she adores my children so much, she offered me a friends and family discount. And S, being a self-employed lawyer, educated her daughter on making business connections and discounting her rates for good customers. I was too dumbfounded to answer her…was she telling me to pay her daughter $15?

So, if this girl is such a good babysitter and worth $15/hour, why couldn’t she tell me herself what her going rate was? I think S should have had the conversation with her daughter, and let the girl learn a lesson: you get what you ask for. Maybe next time a customer asks her her rate, she’ll tell them the truth.

(Oh, and totally unrelated, the bad news was truly bad: S’s dog and beloved companion for more than a decade passed away; the juxtaposition of these two bits of news only confused me more.)

**********************
So, what will happen to these kids as they go through college? I don't know, but I'm also not sure that they're prepared well to do it on their own. My friend L (buyer of notebooks) has created a poster-board schedule for her son, showing him when his classes are, when he has time to study, and when he can go to the gym. S the lawyer is equally involved in her daughter's campus life, texting her between classes and scheduling her time off.

I'm trying my best not to judge, but I'm failing. I can't help but think this is too much, and I hope I learn from them so I fly a bit higher when my kids get to be young adults. The worry, to me, is that they're not helping these kids grow into productive, self-sufficient adults. And, ultimately, isn't this our job--our duty--as parents?

I wonder if these parents, who want to give their children the world, are raising a generation of people who wouldn’t know what to do with the world once they got it in their hands.

When well-rested becomes restless

2008-08-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm turning a corner that I'm not sure I want to turn.

I quit my job two months ago for many reasons: stress, burnout, lousy work situation, lack of work/life balance, insomnia, floundering marriage, bratty kids, general unhappiness, you choose.

For the past two months, I've been pausing, taking a breather, getting my head and my home back in order. I've gone on vacation, taken day trips with the kids, gone to the beach, weeded the garden, and cleaned the house. I've started to be a professional stay-at-home mom, which means that I've started volunteering.

Now, after more than 60 restful nights, I'm looking at the corner and trying to see around it. I feel restless and I want to know what's next. I've updated my resume and have started to look at job boards. I am talking to recruiters. I think I might be ready to jump back in--but this time, it's going to be different.

This time, I will be patient, because I want the right role. It needs to be a flexible, maybe part-time, gig that allows me to use my brain and my experience. A job that ends when I turn off the computer at the end of the day. Something that energizes me, instead of draining my energy, and doesn't keep me tossing and turning all night. Something that doesn't pull me apart.

Does it exist? Or will I have to create it for myself?

The Christmas Tree and the Toilet

2008-08-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Now that I’m not working, I’m watching some daytime TV. Not a lot, because I actually have a lot of work to do. A few weeks ago I was watching the Rachael Ray show while I was doing some of my work for the IABC. I figure the TV is nice background noise, and maybe I’ll be inspired to cook something new for dinner!

One of the guests on the show was a stay at home mother who felt left out. She quit her job to stay home with her child, but she found that it’s not all that she expected. She didn't think that she was connecting with her son and felt like a third wheel when her husband gets home because her son is overjoyed at seeing him. She said she "feels like the furniture."

Aha! I’ve been saying this to my husband for years—maybe a bit more crudely, though, to get my point across. Even when I worked—full time or part time, it didn’t matter—I was the primary caregiver. I was the one who managed most of the daycare issues, handled the meals, did the grocery shopping, dressed the kids, made sure the house was clean. Essentially, after working a full day, I came home to another full time job. And I’m not alone—many of my working mother friends say the same thing (and this study backs it up).

And the kids never thanked me for it. My husband just expected it.

I told him that I felt like the toilet—literally crapped on all the time. I was useful and necessary—in fact the house would collapse if I were not working (just think what would happen if your toilet stopped working)! The worst thing, though, was that the kids treated him like a Christmas Tree! YAY, Daddy’s here!

But the show did provide some helpful hints to battle “third wheel syndrome”. I’ve paraphrased them here but you can also go to the episode and check out the whole segment.
· Look at your sleep and ask if you feel rested.
· Make sure you are eating healthily, as a family unit.
· Is your work fulfilling? If not, find something that can make you happy
· Are your intimate relationships where you want them to be?

So, being the action-oriented person I always told everyone at the office I was, I have to bottom line it: Bottom line, you need to take care of yourself if you’re going to take care of others. You have to acknowledge the issue(s), then address it, so you can take responsibility for your own actions.

Now, back to cleaning the toilets!

My six word bio...or why I quit the corporate world

2008-08-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

At a professional networking event a few months ago, we were asked to create and share a six-word biography for an ice-breaker activity. I was at the height of my stressful period, working 50-60 hours a week (and I should have been working more), taking care of the kids and the house, ignoring my husband, and falling, exhausted, into a fitful sleep each night. Here's what I came up with:

Work, kids, home, pulled like taffy.

That really summed it up for me. Not long after, I quit my job. Now, I'm taking a "pause" and looking for something that gives me more time with my family yet allows me to use my brain. Good luck, right? I guess I'll need another six-word bio soon.

What's your six-word bio? What six words would describe who you are, or where you are right now?

P.S. I can't take the credit for the six word bio; it belongs to SMITH magazine.

Working from home: A personal cost/benefit analysis

2008-07-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

The other day I rushed to pick up my sweet, innocent little boy from camp. When I scooped him up in a hug, he scowled and pulled away, “Uh, Mommy, you wore that yesterday. And the day before,” he said, disgusted. “And your hair smells yucky.”

Busted. Such is the life of a work from home mother.

I love working from home. I think it’s just about the best benefit any company can offer, particularly when I think about balancing my work and my life. And now, with gas costing upwards of $4/gallon, more and more people are doing it. (Here’s a good article about how telecommuting allows both parents to work full-time, demanding jobs, yet parent the way that they want to: http://news.postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?z=7&a=328830. And here’s another on the benefits of telecommuting during bad weather (great Boston accents on the video): http://www.workforceinstitute.org/extreme-weather-commute.htm.)

Telecommuting really makes my life work. While I can’t say that working from home is going to save the world, it sure keeps my work/life/work/life roller coaster on track. Plus, it really appeals to my cheap side. Honestly if someone told me I had to come into the office every day, I would ask for a raise. A pretty big raise. The other night my husband and I were tallying the costs of commuting from my lovely suburb 20 miles west of Boston into the city. Now, this was cocktail napkin figuring, but here’s what we came up with:

Keeping son in daycare an extra 1.5 hours/day = $175 more a month

Keeping daughter in daycare an extra 1 hour/day = $50 more a month

Parking = $300 more a month

Gas = $300 more a month

Food/coffee (let’s say I’m really good and bring my lunch half the time) = $150 more a month

Add in clothes, makeup, shoes (all that stuff that I frankly don’t put any effort into right now) and I'm saving about $1,000 a month by not commuting!

HOWEVER, working from home does have some costs, some of which are very high and should be taken into consideration:

It’s freezing cold. Or it's blazing hot. This past winter was one of the coldest, snowiest of record in Boston, and the oil man cameth. So, to save some dough, the heat in my house automatically kicked off at 8 a.m. Thus, I spent most of my day wearing three sweatshirts and blasting a space heater at my feet. And, now that suburban Boston has decided that it wants to become SoFla with humidity at 110% this summer, I'm dealing with the other extreme, with the added bonus of frizzy hair.
My house is a mess. Because I’m here all day, I figure I can throw in the laundry or do the dishes at any time. Except I don’t…
I don’t exercise. In fact, I sit on my bottom for hours at a time. I’m so lazy that I even wheel myself around my little office on my chair.
I munch. Sometimes all day. But, there’s a trade-off: I have to get off my chair to get to the kitchen (I can’t wheel there because there’s a small step).
I look like hell. I only wear jeans and sweatshirts, or shorts and t-shirts. My hair is in a ponytail. My makeup is drying out in a case in the back of the vanity. I don’t shower. Well, not as often as I should (is that too much information?). Seriously, though, at 4:55, five minutes before I’m due to pick up my kids at school, I rush upstairs and do a quick rinse. I hardly ever wash my hair—I don’t have time.
I am a social half-wit …I have tons of “virtual” friends online, but I’ve forgotten how to make small talk in person!
I never turn off the computer--“Just one more check of email” is my mantra.

I know, I know, I’ve got to draw my own boundaries. I have to shut off the computer and walk away. I have to brush my hair. But, I’m so productive! And I’m spending all of my non-work time with my kids! And I respond to all my emails!

So, I have to ask myself if my plummeting self-esteem is a fair tradeoff for the time I get with my family. Right now, while my kids are young, I think it is…at least until they mandate webcams in the next roll-out of laptops.

Let me think about that

2008-07-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

I read a post on Copyblogger a while ago about how the best writing takes a lot of time and thought. (Here’s the post if you’re interested: http://www.copyblogger.com/think-content-through/). This part really grabbed me:

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you spent a couple of hours just thinking? You have a brain; use it. Get away from the computer. Put down the books and magazines. Burn your to-do list. Cut off your feeds. Stop rushing around for a while. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you slow down.

Personally, when I was working, I found that I had gotten away from thinking. I mean really thinking—you know, where you sit with a problem for a while, ruminate, let it grow, look at it from many angles, then—hopefully—see it clearly. Instead, I react. I give an initial passing thought and move on. Come on, I’ve got a lot to do!

And, I fear, many of us in the corporate world do the same thing.

I was surrounded by intelligent, experienced, highly productive people where I worked. We got a lot done in a day. Whenever I talked to my colleagues about how things were going, the answer was always “busy.” I was no different: I had a to-do list of about 20 items and I was sure that I left something off. I dual-tasked and multi-tasked, paying only half attention on conference calls while answering AIMs and getting through some emails. I reacted to questions rather than giving thoughtful answers. In fairness, some emails and problems don’t require much thought; they require my experience or a quick answer, and that’s fine. But all too often, I think we go with the first solution rather than thinking it through to find the best solution.

Toward the end of my tenure at big corporation, I worked with a team to write a presentation to high-profile clients. We started with a blank screen and had about 2 ½ weeks to create the deck. Seven different people were involved and we turned out about 15 iterations—that’s roughly one iteration a day. I wonder, now that I have time to reflect, if enough deliberate thinking went into the final product, or if it was all reaction. You know, you give your initial feedback and move on, then someone churns out the next iteration out for the next round of reactions. And so on.

Now, when I’m asked to get something “turned around” by the end of the day, I wonder if I’m sacrificing quality for quickness. And am I measured on how much I get done or on how well I do it? Is meeting deadlines more important than meeting quality expectations?

I have to believe that there’s room for both, and I guess it’s up to me to determine when it’s more important to be fast and responsive or when it’s more important to be deliberate and thorough. Because not everything can be urgent AND important.

So, starting now, I’m going to use my brain (good idea, huh?). I’m going to make a conscious choice to think a bit more about my work—and not just react. I’ll try to focus on the one task I’m doing, shut off AIM so I can actively listen on a conference call, close out of email when I’m working on other things. Maybe I’ll even pause before blurting out answers to questions or take a walk to let ideas roll around my head for a while before I write.

If I do this, think about the possibilities…

Secret Life of a Soccer Mom

2008-07-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Did you see the reality show on TLC called The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom? The basic premise is that a stay at home mom gets a glimpse at ‘what her life could have been like…’ had she continued with her career.

In the two shows I watched, the wives left high pressure jobs to stay at home with their children. In one episode, a doctor’s wife gave up a promising career in high fashion nine years ago to care for her three daughters. In another, an up-and-coming chef decided to stay home with her two boys. To both these women, I say, good for you—great choice!

The show, though, can’t leave well enough alone. It upsets the balance these families have worked for and plops these women right where they would have been had they stayed on their career trajectory. The fashion designer has one week to design three new dresses and show them to professional buyers and a stylist. The chef has to create three recipes and serve them to a table of food critics. All the requisite ups and downs, tears and triumphs of reality-TV ensue. Ultimately, both women thrive on the adrenaline, succeed at their tasks and are offered full-time jobs. The hitch is that they need to accept the job within one day and start immediately. It’s all or nothing.

And this is crap.

First, I want to scream at these women that this won’t be their only opportunity. It’s not now or never. The world is changing, technology is evolving, demographics are shifting. There will be other opportunities. Maybe not with this particular designer or restaurant, but keep up the networking, keep your skills fresh and other opportunities will come. And all it takes is one right opportunity.

Worse, though, the show trivializes the sometimes heart-wrenching decisions that many families make when a mother chooses to work full-time. It negates the fact that others don’t have the luxury of a choice…look at the nurses, the teachers, the secretaries who run the world each and every day. The show takes the husband (or partner) completely out of the equation. This is wrong because in relationships, life-altering decisions are not made in a vacuum, they are not made based on what is good for just one person and they are certainly not made in one day.

(Oh, and who’s going to watch the kids on Monday when mom goes to work? I know it took me three months to find full-time daycare for my son when he was an infant, yet these people can make it happen over a weekend.)

SLSM deceives the stay-at-home moms out there who are fed this glossy image of what it means to go back to work. Sure, for one week, the dad is happy to stay home while his wife is “at a spa” and then of course he’s proud that she ultimately succeeds in a highly competitive environment. Oh, she’s complete, they say. Yay.

Show me the picture six months later. Show me these families getting up each day before dawn, making breakfast, coordinating showers, getting the kids dressed, doing drop-off, working 8+ hours, fighting traffic, barely making pickup, cooking dinner, bathing the kids, reading stories, giving hugs, cleaning the kitchen, crawling into bed. And then show them doing it day after day after day after day after day.

Show me these families haggling over who takes Junior to his dentist appointment. Fighting over who can cover pick-up so the other can do the late meeting. Juggling the business trips and covering the soccer practices. Show me how supportive these husbands are six months later when the adrenaline wears off and their wives are too tired to cook, to clean, to pick up the laundry, too tired even to watch reality-TV.

Let me expose the dirty little secret of a working mom: It’s a grind.

This show doesn’t do anybody any justice. Being a full-time working parent might be a lot of things—creative, fulfilling, necessary—but it isn’t glamorous and it sure isn’t easy. Maybe once we open up about this “secret”, we can stop pining for what could have been and just be happy with what is.

Jumpstarting my career...some good advice that I wish I had taken

2008-07-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

(Note: I first wrote this piece last December, when I attended the Massachusetts Conference for Women. This is when I started to blog for my company...now I'm taking some of these blog posts public.)

One of the sessions I attended at the MA Conf for Women was "Jumpstart Your Career." I chose this because I recently came back to work full time and also took on a new role (and promotion). I figured I've taken the leap, now I need to commit to it.

One of the speakers was Eve Tahmincioglu from CareerDiva, who put forth the Anatomy of successful women (she means top women leaders, profiled in her book "From the Sandbox to the Corner Office: Lessons Learned on the Journey to the Top"). I found this list to be pretty applicable to my corporate experience:

Mentor - get one, be one
Block out negative vibes
Know how to sing your own praises - or, as I prefer, be your own advocate
Be a work horse - success is not necessarily about work/life balance!
Pay your dues - in other words, stay with it
Pick your battles and stay focused

I like all these points, and the company where I spent more than a decade did a pretty good job in addressing some of them as they prepare people to "own" their own careers. The idea of finding a mentor, for example, is something that I've heard--and tried to put into practice--time and again over my 10 years there. I have a few people that I do look up to and trust and I have asked for counsel when I needed to make a big decision. I also try to mentor other people, but this is difficult sometimes. I don't want to "preach" at them or tell anyone what to do.

The other point I learned at the big corporate gig was to sing my own praises. I don't really like that phrase, though, as I fear that I may come off as arrogant. However, the phrase "Be your own advocate" is spot-on. Who wouldn't want to be his/her own advocate? So, looking at it this way, it makes sense for me to stand up for myself, let people know what I'm doing, and be noticed. So, maybe "advocacy" is a better way for women to think about this. Women are traditionally (or anecdotally at least) less apt to "brag" about their accomplishments. "So what?" you might ask. Arrogance is an ugly trait, anyway?

Well, it matters: Read this New York Times article on the pay gap between men and women and then tell me that negotiation skills don't matter. Bottom line--if you don't ask for something, you're not going to get it!!

Final thoughts: this was a good session, timely for me. I liked Eve; although I found her to be tough, I also thought she was refreshing and had an air of candor and reality about her. I especially liked her point about being a workhorse, and how "successful" women really didn't have a work-life balance. That got me thinking about my own situation and my own definition of success. I'm not in the corner office--nor do I ever aspire to be--but I find that with each rung of the ladder I climb, the expectations are higher and the responsibilities are heavier. Do I want this? I'm not sure...but I'm willing to find out.

(Note: I didn't last long. I left my job six months after writing this post and now I'm trying to redefine success for myself and my family.)

Jack and Suzy Welch at the MA Conference for Women

2008-07-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

(Note: I first wrote this piece last December, when I attended the Massachusetts Conference for Women. This is when I started to blog for my company...now I'm taking some of these blog posts public.)

Jack Welch is an incredible business leader, no doubt about it. And, in many ways, he was the one who gave me the kick in the pants to start blogging. So, consider this another great career launched by Jack Welch!

I saw Jack and his wife Suzy speak at the Massachusetts Conference for Women last December. One of the things they pointed out that resonated most strongly with me was that our success depends on the choices we make…so this will be a recurring theme of my blog: choices.

This is something that spoke to me, as I have struggled for the past 6 years with both my ambition and my work/life balance. I like the idea of choices because it puts accountability back on each person’s shoulders. Each day we make choices, and I personally think we have to own the choices we make.

Anyway, I was prepared to not like Jack and Suzy Welch. I was ready to roll my eyes and make snide comments to Nancy throughout this talk. Instead, I found myself nodding in agreement and almost saying, “Amen, brother!” to some of the things they said.

Anyway, I thought Jack had some good pointers on what makes a good leader. It was all new to me, since I only have time to read Olivia books and such at night, but his insights into the 4 E’s of good leaders has been around for a while. Good leaders:

Have a lot of Energy
Energize others
Have Edge (defined further as someone who says “Yes” or “No”)
And can Execute. If you can’t deliver, forget it!

He added Passion…which I believe is true. Whenever people are passionate about what they do, they do it better. I know work better when I’m a believer in what I’m doing…that’s why I like internal communications. I feel like I’m the voice of the people or I’m trying to reach the people…it becomes personal to me!

Jack also said there were 4 types of leaders, and you can rate them on 2 factors: values and performance. The types of leaders you keep are:

A leader with both values and performance
A leader with the values, but not the performance yet…what you do is move this person around, room him/her, give him/her another chance.

It’s a no brainer that you don’t keep the leader who doesn’t have either values or performance, but surprisingly, Jack said you also have to dump the leader with performance and no values. Bottom line—or my take away—is that you can teach performance or skill people up, but you can’t teach values (integrity). You either have it or you don’t.

Another topic they tackled was how to spot a leader, how to hire someone for the top job. Three qualities Jack mentioned were authenticity, resilience (get back on the horse after you’ve been thrown off) and being able to see around corners, see what’s next.

That’s great when you’re looking for the next president of the division…but it also works for everyday people (like me). More relevant, though, Suzy said that boredom is deadly. To be successful you should always push yourself, be tested, and always want to do better. Jack picked up on the point and added that you should never be satisfied, be constantly reaching, and have the courage take risks.

I found Jack and Suzy to be refreshingly honest. When the host Karen Swenson tried to pander to the audience about “What about a work/life balance?” Jack out and out scoffed. You don’t get to be the CEO of GE at age 44 by having a work life balance, was the gist of his answer. YES! Thank you for telling the truth, Jack! I really wish more people would acknowledge this and then we could all move on!

For more on Jack and Suzy Welch, check out their podcast on Business Week or just do a search on Amazon—you’ll find tons of their books.

I am the dichotomom

2008-07-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

Merriam Webster dictionary defines dichotomy as a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities ; also : the process or practice of making such a division .

This is why I call myself the dichotomom: I am a mom divided between my kids and my work. The two are mutually exclusive and their wants are contradictory. Or maybe their wants only seem contradictory, because they actually want the same thing: Me, all the time. So I am the one who bifurcates; because I cannot clone myself, I tear myself in two. It has worked for a while and I’ve had a foot in the world of motherhood and a foot in the working world. The bad part, I’ve found, is that nobody gets the whole me. And I’m no longer whole.That’s the theme of this blog—how as a working mother I am trying to mend myself, stitch myself back together, while giving the best I can to my kids and to my work.

I know I'm not alone!